chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
