Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
one two three fourrrrnication!
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
