She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
