It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
