can u get pink eye on your cock?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
