Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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