my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
