ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
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i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
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My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You should frame my arrest warrant.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny