It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
