My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
