god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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