your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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