Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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