guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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