Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
