i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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