Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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