all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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