Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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