I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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