You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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