god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
