Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
