I just threw up on my dentist
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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