happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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