so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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