hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
