well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
