During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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