I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
