I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
