How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Im part way to drunk.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
