I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
