i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
