Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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