you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
