So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
