Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
