Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I am available for nakedness
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
