So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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