Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
