Whod you bang
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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