Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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