I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
