great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
