You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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