my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
