I think I died a long time ago.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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