the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
