if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
