I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
