what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
