he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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