Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
