Your face is a jimmy john
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
