if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Quick, to the slutcave!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
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