It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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