What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
